


Driven Out Into the Cold

by Mandergee



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: F/M, One Shot, Philinda October Challenge
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-03
Updated: 2014-10-03
Packaged: 2018-02-19 16:58:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2395913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mandergee/pseuds/Mandergee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are often said in the wake of pain and betrayal, and Coulson finds himself not immune to the aftereffect of regret.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Driven Out Into the Cold

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Philinda October Challenge on Tumblr.

"It's cold out tonight." He watched the window- the only _real_ window- as snowflakes began to drift down in a graceful ballet, shapes twisting and turning beyond the glass. She was out there somewhere, and knowing it was he who had driven her away made the concern he felt intensify. "We've traveled all over the world- this is the type of climate shes always hated the most."

“Agent May is well trained in survival, Sir. I'm sure she'll be fine." He caught sight of Simmons' reflection in the glass, watched her settle onto the comfortable sofa with a mug of tea and a gentle smile. Worry flickered briefly over her face as her own eyes saw past him into the quiet evening, and was quickly replaced by a more neutral expression as she stared down into her drink. "You mentioned she'd left because of you, because you were angry."

"I was mad, and I was mean." His earlier statement repeated, fell on his ears as harshly as it had the first time he'd said it to the others, when Trip had replied in such a fashion that he'd been reeling from the shock of it. _We don't need her sorry ass_. No, they needed her now more than he could ever know, and Coulson hoped he'd never have to realize that. The familiar rush of shame and guilt was closing in, clenching at his heart like a vice that made it hard to breathe, and he reached out to place a palm against the glass, steadying himself. The glass was thick, keeping the cold at bay, and Coulson found himself missing the trace of cold that would remind him of what lay beyond. "I was angry at May for keeping secrets, and instead of letting it go I told her to leave. That she could find somewhere else to be."

"I'm sure she didn't think-"

"That I meant it?" He shook his head, turned his eyes to the moon as it hovered over a maze of towering pine. May was somewhere in those trees or somewhere beyond them, if she'd made good time, and he had no idea which direction she was headed in. "She thought I did, or she wouldn't have left. Trip's right- this isn't the time to abandon ship, and May knows that. The only reason she went is because I gave her the orders to go, and May follows orders."

"You don't believe she's coming back?"

"I can't be sure." He _wanted_ to be sure, wanted to put up the front of confidence a leader _needed_ to have for his people. But Koenig's death, Ward's betrayal and May's exit had put a damper on the group he didn't feel confident he _could_ lift, not without the kind of lies he was tired of telling. "It's hard to know what she's thinking, and with everything falling apart I doubt she's sure where it's safe."

"Can't you reach her?"

He'd tried, as soon as he'd been alone, allowed the ringing to give way to voicemail several times before he'd finally gone to her bunk, found her phone left neatly on a pile of manuals and training guides. Wherever she was, whatever she was doing...if May wanted someone to find her, she didn't want _him_. And he couldn't blame her.

"I've tried. She's off the grid." As Coulson shifted, crossed his arms and watched his reflection do the same, he began to wonder how much he really _had_ changed. Would he, before T.A.H.I.T.I, have let go of May that easily, without listening to her side of the story? Considering her reasons? "If anyone is going to find May, it's going to be because she let them."

"Sir-"

"It's all right, Jemma." His eyes met hers in the window, and he hoped she couldn't see the doubt he was trying so desperately to hide. "She's going to be all right."

 _She's always all right_.

____

 _It's cold out tonight_. May surveyed the forest from higher ground, a thick branch chosen for its ability to potentially support her weight over the course of the evening as the sky grew dark and wildlife began to wander. She'd followed the path they'd broken from the plane, headed back in the general direction and intending to diverge from the route when she felt it was the right time. Something screamed in the distant dark, and she huddled closer to where tree met branch, listening as the echoes faded into nothing.

 _Coulson had been right_ , she thought. Right that she'd lied and withheld information she'd had no right keeping from him- she'd never questioned her orders, known that although her gut clenched at the knowledge that although she was hiding something from her oldest friend she would never falter from her mission. But when he'd said he didn't want her, that personal was a thing of the past for them, she'd felt it in her soul as he'd walked away, and had known she'd had to leave before he came back.

Sleep came easier than she'd imagined it would, and as she closed her eyes against the world May wondered if tomorrow she would find what she was looking for.

If there were even answers out there for her to find, or a friend for her to bring them home to.

 


End file.
